Hard to accept

If i had my own show i wonder if it would be a good one. I mean, anyone watching would scoff at the scene i'm playing in now:
churro in one hand, contemplative look on my face, and redacting my own words in my head. This would ideally be a total carrie bradshaw moment, but its not.
this is me. sitting on my bed eating a churro, and hoping to god that i have the answers to my current emotional snag...
is it possible that in every relationship one person is bound to be the stronger one? the wearer of the pants? the better one? and if so, is this a healthy balance for the relationship?
1/4 of my churro later, im still pondering this.
it all started over thai milk tea with a good friend. we see each once every few months. thankfully for her and i, we are not the type of clingy girls that need to talk to each other every day. so, our  conversations are quite lengthy, naturally; in which we speak of other friends, our personal daily struggles, and for me and her, we talk about my love life (of which she is a very observant by stander).
I'm telling her about my latest issue with my boyfriend and she warns me about the corrosive and blunt comment she is about to share...plainly put she thinks i'm "DATING DOWN". as soon as the words leave her mouth i knew what she meant, but for some reason i acted like i wasn't all sure of what she said.
DATING DOWN. now im sure there are many other ways of saying this (you can do better, you're too good for him/her, he's not up to your standards, WHERE ARE your standards...the list really does go one, i kid you not) I agree, i do suppose that some one like myself--so driven, so motivated (well who am i kidding, so lack-of-a-life person) could be with someone who's got the same drive.
and days later after our very enticing proclamations about how much we prefer being women than men (one big point being that i do much prefer my sex organs inside my body rather than dangling between my legs just waiting to be sat on) this statement of hers, admittedly very blunt but to my surprise not very wrong, just snags at my insides in all the wrong places. COULD IT BE THAT JUST LIKE OPPOSITES SEEM TO BE THE BEST LOVERS, OPPOSITES MUST BE EITHER A TOP OR A BOTTOM (both sexually and relationship-wise)? And if this is so, do the tables ever change? Does the stronger, "better", upward-datee ever get a chance to be the needy, clingy, dependent one?
i mean, yeah, ideally a relationship should be 50-50, in which money fits perfectly into the equation...money, chores, marriage, shit, even who makes dinner and who goes on top tonight! But just as there are tops and bottoms in sex life, is it true as well that rarely bottoms ever top the tops?
I guess i must admit that I do wear the pants in my relationship...whether i like it or not.
but how do u fix it? if you look at your partner and despite any doubts you have, the second you see them walking around the corner and your heart just stops, you feel like a high school girl all giddish and excited, and plain and simple, you just are relieved to know that they still walk on the same earth you do, is it so bad to be the wearer of the "PANTS"?
My fear has always been to be compared to that of the demanding, domineering and ultimatum-establishing bitch of a girl friend with whom her man would much rather be without than to be leashed with. 
I have this pinching feeling like my mother and my sister are just counting the days until i fall apart. until they have to gather my shattered pieces and glue me back together like some sort of rotten humpty dumpty. i wont let this happen, i wont give up just because they thought they knew i would.
at first when i began dating HIM it was a race against my self. i worked at beating my longest relationship record of a whopping 2 months. yeah i failed at that one HARD. after half a year with HIM i knew it wasnt myself i was racing against, but the people around us. His family, my family, and every one else we came in contact with.
as sick as this sounds, i knew i loved him from day one. my heart broke when i thought he had a girl friend, my heart healed when we stood on top of the world, seeing him smile that gorgeous smile at me. my heart fluttered as we first kissed, which by god is one of the best kisses i've ever had.
now a year and a half later and i still get butterflies when i see him. my face fits perfectly in the nook of his back when we spoon.
he swears im his perfect one with such conviction its all most tangible. AND THEN THERE'S ME....good ol' female hormones, thinking, and brooding. "does he think im easy because i slept with him a week into our relationship?" "does he know i could watch him for hours and still be amazed at what i see?" "does he know i've thought about breaking up with him because things get too hard sometimes?"
Yeah, im the girl friend tha runs and hides, the one with a suitcase packed by the door. How can someone like him love someone so scatter-brained like me? yeah i got goals, i got plans, but when it comes to communicating, im the biggest man there is...i'll fix things with kisses, sex, laughter, but never with talking. He has to literally pry the words out of my mouth and by then im so shy to talk that i just say its ok.
so will it be ok? if i tell him i need more of him, if i tell him i need him to pick his shit together because i wont always be able to do it, if i tell him i refuse to be his goddam mother (or to be compared to her), if i tell him that unless i see him grow up for me, WILL THINGS BE OK?
i know if we ever broke up my heart would break into so many pieces even the best putter-back-togethers wont be able to fix my shit, but if we talked about it and still he did not change, who loved who more? or more importantly who didnt love enough?
a fifth of my churro is left and all these thought that quell inside me rip at my heart, but i cant stop thinking of him. of his gorgeous smile, his relentless love, and most of all, his complete and unfaltering faith that i could bring paradise to his hell.
this boy has me in the tangles of love. i just need a big brush to detangle and we're good to go.

Life...currently

This saturday I'm gonna go hiking with friends. So excited! I just hope i dont run into a mt. lion again. that would be unpleasant...eck. Before then i might go to six flags, so wish me luck. Dont get me wrong, i love my coasters, but six flags just seems to be a whole different thing! im not so good with plunging falls so maybe i wont eat tooooo much...we'll see.
Also, i realized that i need to really start getting back into shape. this whole weight gain is not good for anyone. i just really need some motivation. i tried on a pair of jeans i used to love to wear and they wouldnt even get past my thighs...oyyyy.
alright! i need a plan and i need to stick to it. i've been wanting to join the gym but maybe i just need to start small. eat better, excercise here at home etc. i just need to stick with it!
so far, work is fine. Im really anxious/excited/fearful of school starting and i guess it doesnt help that im going to two schools at the same time. We'll see how it all goes.
for now these are the main head lines of my life...currently