Letting go

Broken heart...it's not an easy thing to live with.

Four months ago I would have given anything to forget, or die, or wake up and find I was really just having a horrible nightmare. But every person who's ever had a broken heart can attest that reality is our worst and best companion. Time passes by in a haze, whether brought on by our own personal yearning to forget as much as often as possible, or simply because we forget how quickly life moves on.

I have loved and I believe my love was one of the greater loves...it was volatile, fervent, lustful, truthful, and most of all, painful. Sure I could keep on pointing fingers, and placing blame and hating, but what good does that do for me?

This isn't meant to inspire, or enlighten. I myself am not inspired to continue loving. If anything, I am terrified of ever loving again. We must understand that love is truly fleeting. Not many of us get to experience it in its most innocent form, and not many get to experience it at all. And as sad as that realization is, would it even be called love if everyone did experience it? If anything, we'd just call it a phase, like puberty, and mid-life crises.

The truth is that, four months and twelve days later, I still miss my past. It is an everyday battle to get out of bed, put on that painful smile and take steps forward. The reality of this is that THIS IS REALITY. We are constantly hammered by media and society on what love is like, and we are falsely taught to hope for rainy kisses, and surprise proclamations of love, epiphanies of love and soul mates and forever. It is because of movies like The Notebook, P.S. I Love You and the likes of these films that we search and search for OUR love.

What is the reality of my love? Despite my mind's struggle to keep a romanticized notion of my love, the reality of it is that it was a hard and tedious love. And after having spent 2 1/2 years of my life being promised to be loved forever, and being told that I am the most perfect person on the planet, and there is no way that I'd ever be broken up with....well, he did break up with me, and he did stop loving me, and he did move on...took him three months after we broke up (or maybe sooner, what do I know). The truth, and the reality of our lives are never what we'd like it to be, but after having my heart completely dismantled, I find, that we get over it.

I never said it was easy, I still cry, I still feel lonely and I still love him. But less and less am I expecting him to show up at my house on new years eve telling me that he realizes he can't live without me. (yeah, this is my stupid fantasy that I play out in my mind sometimes....because, hey, I'm a masochist like everyone else). Slowly but surely, I am accepting that we had an amazing time together...for, despite the hardships, we loved the way very few will ever love, and it was so seamless it could've been right out of a love story...but like most unwritten endings to love stories....it had to end, because honestly? there are 7 billion people in this world, and we expect to be settled with? There are people out there who are 20 times better at everything we do great already, so why in the world would we expect to be with someone forever?

Am I bitter? Yes.
Am I stronger? Definitely yes.
Am I still alive? Yes.

He may have broken every promise he made, and he may have been the one to break up with me, but in retrospect, he's still doing the same thing he was yesterday, and last week, and a month ago: working at some grungy bar, smoking weed to drown out his own reality, and hooking up with some rebound.

What have I been doing since the break up?

I traveled to Mexico, I am being mentored by great industry professionals, I am one quarter closer to graduating with my BACHELORS in June of 2013, I am working out to get healthy, and I am working and being social and doing whatever it is that I want. So, who's the loser now?

It may not be the most mature thing to do....comparing and such, but it feels great to know that although I was honestly devastated and hit rock bottom, I am still alive, and kicking ass at it.